The ride of a lifetime — Today is a chill day. I plan on reading, watching the Bills, and making homemade pizza. Maybe I’ll even squeeze in a nap. But let me back up a few hours. I awoke on this frosty Sunday morning, downed a massive mug of delicious coffee, and did a few neck…

It would be cool if my booty hole would just suck it in — I fought a hairy battle, and I won. I have a big ass. Alone, this isn’t an issue. In the shower, it’s a massive problem. I shed so much hair I’m not sure how there’s any left on my head. …

But I’m going to sex it up a little — New year new challenges ammmiiiriiight? These questions are actually pretty fun, and I’m going to give them my own little spin. If you know me, and you don’t like my spins, go ahead and hit the back button and read about how Jason Provencio is the next Christian author. Wait…

He made a mistake, and it cost him — On his knees, he punches the ground and hangs his head. He slowly stands up, rips his headgear off, and smacks himself on the head. Hard. I lean against the railing on the next level up and watch him shake hands with his opponent and walk away. Still watching, I…

When I slid them over my hips, my eyes grew wide, and my brain said SEX — Sometimes you get a brand new pair of pants, a shirt, or an accessory. You slip them on and think, Shit yes, this looks good. That doesn’t happen to me often. I wear the same three things weekly because I never leave my house and I enjoy comfort. Fuck you. …

Nobody wants that many fucking birds — The holiday season starts to chap my ass right about now because I partake in a lot of heavy people-ing. Not heavy petting; that would be good. People-ing. I’ve spent four days in a row surrounded by (gasp) PEOPLE. It’s getting old, and I’m overwhelmed with anxiety. But then! The…

Work your meat into something new — Guys, your partners notice when their lotion is being used at an intensely rapid rate. Also, when you walk past them and your dong smells like cucumber melon, they know what’s up. Also, aren’t you kind of over it? Spread on the lotion, jack, jack, stare at the ceiling in…

If you vape in the hallways, you’ll be dragged to hell — For fucks sake, Krampus is here. If you haven’t heard of Krampus, allow me to explain. Each year on the dark dreary evening of December 5th, or Krampusnacht, Krampus and St. Nick both show up at your home. St. Nick delivers gifts in your shoes if you’ve been a good…

An inspiring trip, maybe. — Do you want to guess how many half-written books I have lying in a wasteland somewhere? Probably hundreds. Simply tossed away, along with my old desktop computers from ages sixteen to thirty-eight. Stories, perhaps best sellers, (right?!) were lost to the world of rubbish because I lacked the confidence to…