Studies show dick penetration is at an all-time low — We’re all so obsessed with finding perfect intimacy. What can we do better to feel closer to our partner? What haven’t we tried yet? What scares us? What titillates us? How do we make sex better, or at least keep it fun, after forty-three years of marriage? Or forty-three days? …

I’m still wearing a crown, two weeks later. — Good morrow, peasants. Most of my readers know my ass is working on a book right now. However, you may not know it mostly takes place at a Castle. But — yours truly, writing about castles? It doesn’t make any sense. I only write about dongs and dildos and stuff. …

Big things in a small town — This year I’ve opted for several mini staycations rather than one big vacation for my family. I did this for a few reasons. I want to explore what we have right here around us in the Midwest. Stop laughing. I’m taking my husband to Mexico in September for his 50th…

Yo, ma. If I get two more tardies in first period, I’m kicked out of class. — When they were little, I called them curtain climbers. Except for one, they are all still curtain climbers, maxing out at 5'1, 5'4, and 5'7. However, my youngest looks like he might hit 6 ft and piss his siblings right the hell off. Height doesn’t define you. I’ve been telling…

Can you pause during an orgasm? — I’m barely alive on Medium, but I can’t let you forget me. I read a Would You Rather challenge this morning (Thanks, The Sturg). And fuck yes, I can write this and get a few reads and claps between chapters in my book that I’ve been writing for 600 years…

Do Tinder and Bumble and Dumble leave you feeling ill? — Are you single and looking for your next decent romp? Do Tinder and Bumble and Dumble leave you feeling a little ill? Have you grown tired of reading boring bios and realizing everyone is a liar? I’ve got you. Actually, everyone is a liar; I can’t fix that. …

17 questions and all that shit — I don’t know where this challenge started but Mike Butler is back (insert one million heart eye emojis), and he tagged me in his story. I’m so happy he’s returned to Medium that I would suck a chicken dick, so I’ll participate in his challenge. Most of you already know…

A romance about busty women, sexy singles, and huge penises — The year 2003 I was looking for an affordable car in the Sunday paper, when my eyes caught an especially interesting request in the wanted section. Wanted: A single, sexy, fun woman open to exploring with a husband and wife partner. Please only respond back if serious. Those of you who are as sexually…

A healthier, hipper approach — Adam Robinson recently mentioned that if you write an article about how to breathe air, you could make 47 cents. I really need that money because I have millions of children. I’ve been doing yoga since January 1st when everyone pretends to start a new workout routine. …