Member-only story
Seriousness and stuff
I. Feel. Worthless.
Am I worth it? Are you? Who the fuck is?
Man, I don’t know.
I’m tired of being funny. Or trying to be funny.
I just want to talk.
Let us take a walk down memory lane.
When I was a kid, more like a teen, I had this constant need for more than what I was being given. My parents were amazing. I wasn’t abused, I was loved and nurtured and all that. But I was always missing something.
Somebody else was always more loved, or better liked than I was.
That’s how I felt anyway.
And I needed more. Desperately needed more.
I was a quiet, introverted smart ass. I had a few girlfriends, but really most of my friends were guys. But were they actually my friends? Nah, not usually.
They just wanted…well, you know what they wanted. And not because I was so insanely hot or anything like that. I think they could sense my yearning to be loved or needed or wanted and they used that to their advantage.
And then they dropped me.
The feeling when a friend suddenly starts asking for more than friendship and then drops you like a hot potato when you say no, or even when you say yes? Dude. It’s jarring.
My first husband saw it quickly. My desire for family and a feeling of being whole was so apparent. He used my weaknesses and put me through unspeakable hell.
My second husband wasn’t a bad guy, but he needed a mom. And I needed a partner.
It wasn’t just men though.
The number of girlfriends that are willing to drop you for a better, prettier, wealthier friend is absurd. Even as adults!
And it leaves me to think; well, what the fuck is wrong with me? What the fuck is wrong with them?
I’ll say, being imperfectly less than or equal to average, unnoticeable, and unmemorable– mi gente– (my people), it starts to get to you.
And I still desperately need more.
Am I just mentally ill and therefore whiny?
Yeah. We all are, kind of.
So, is this all in my head, or does this world just fucking suck?
I don’t know, man. You tell me.
❤
